I was only about 7 or 8 years old and one of my closest friends first introduced me to a few nude pictures of men and women. This is about 15 years ago when the internet in the country was still slow and so alhamdulillah I could not be exposed to any video images. However, those pictures scarred me for life. They affected me deeply and I still wish I had never seen them till this day.
Among the greatest blessings of Allah is that He has protected me from the addiction to pornography that many teenagers go through. Despite not seriously practicing Islam until I was 17, I still detested full-blown pornography in my teens. However, there is much more out there on TV and movies that can and do affect us. And it affected me as well.
Fast forward to last year when I asked a few teenage girls and boys about their first exposure to pornography. Most of them had been exposed it in class 6 or 7. Some of them commented on how it is the norm to see it. Rather, I was told, the ones who stay away from are the weird ones. I even had a very scarring experience in Chittagong during Ramadan. I found out two very young boys, aged between 12-14 years, discussing pornography as they came out of Jumuah! In Ramadan!
Yes, dear reader, that is how serious this issue is now. In fact today it is even worse. Today even in mainstream TV, the world of Game of Thrones and other TV serials, even superhero movies like Deadpool, and even in a movie about the Palestinian struggle that “soft” porn or sometimes even full-blown pornographic images have become normalized. It is a growing culture and one that is turning toxic and horrible.
The sex industry is the largest industry in the world — even bigger than sport. This includes strip clubs, prostitution, phone sex and pornography. Sticking just to porn, it is an industry that has about $13 billion in profit each year. Yes in billions! Even if you do not like sport, would you be able to avoid watching at least a tidbit of football when the World Cup is on? No. This is an industry that is bigger, and that seeks to profit off of you and me. And they are not going to stop at anything.
30 million UNIQUE visitors view porn at EVERY second of the day, every minute, every hour and every day. Yes, 30 million people in the world of six billion are viewing porn right now, and now and now as well! In fact, researching porn in the West has become extremely difficult. Most research needs people who have seen porn and those who haven’t. It has been very difficult for the scientific community to find people who haven’t watched any porn in their lives. In 2003, there were 70,000 websites in the world dedicated to porn. By the time 2014 came about, the USA alone had 4.2 million.
There has also been the recent rise in the numbers of rape and sexually aggressive behavior in our society. A 1995 research suggested that there was an association between those who watch pornography and sexually aggressive behavior. Sexually aggressive behaviour was increased even in those who watched non-violent sex scenes in porn. However, it was even more present in those who watched violent sex in porn. A further paper in 2000 confirmed that there was quite an association between the frequency of porn viewing and sexually aggressive behaviours.
A study was done by the University of Middlesex in the UK on the types of porn viewing and effects it had on children and young people. It was seen that kids are more likely to be exposed to porn unintentionally for the first time they see it and that young men and boys are more likely to view and enjoy pornography as compared to young girls. Moreover, and more importantly it was concluded in the study that viewing of pornography lead to the formulation of specific sex beliefs of young men and women and children. The paper reports that there are increases in unrealistic attitudes about sex; maladaptive attitudes about relationships; more sexually permissive attitudes; greater acceptance of casual sex; beliefs that women are sex objects; more frequent thoughts about sex; sexual uncertainty, etc. There were also some association made between the viewing of pornography and engaging in risky and violent behaviour in general.
Recent research also suggests that watching pornography can cause changes in the brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter — a chemical in the brain that is used to send signals. It is mainly associated with feelings of pleasure. Many anti-depressants work on the dopaminergic pathway as well. It has been seen that pornography affects the dopaminergic pathway a lot like how a drug like cocaine affects it. And this causes pleasure. And this is mainly why people who habitually watch pornography keep going back to it over and over again. Moreover, new connections are formed in the brain from watching pornographic images. They are greatly reinforced by the massive amounts of dopamine being released while watching them. The dopamine reinforcement ensures that these images are stored in the long-term memory stores where they can be stuck in replay mode in the person’s mind. The troublesome fact about this is that the more something is recalled, the more it solidifies it in the brain [4] – just like repeated studying helps one do better in exams. And this starts off the cycle of pornography.
Mohammad Ghilan, a neuroscientist and a writer about Islam further write about the tragic effects that can happen.
“Since the experience is an arousing one, dopamine release results in very strong reinforcement of those new connections. Now that the scenes are in long-term memory, two consequences take place:
1) since the very same system stimulated by cocaine is being triggered by pornography, addiction is developed; and
2) the man will often attempt to create his own re-enactments with his wife, which leads to a great disappointment. The re-enactments do not live up to expectations because instead of many different women, it’s now only one. Worse yet, this only one woman doesn’t sound, act, or look the same as the ones downloaded into his mind. Although the first couple of re-enactments might be exciting, soon reality will strike and dopamine will no longer be released because pleasure is no longer derived.
Sadly, that’s not the end of it. After such a disappointment in the actual experience due to the unrealistic fantasy-based expectations, the brain not only refrains from releasing dopamine; it actually dips below baseline levels. It goes into a depression response that results in disappointment, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness in the marriage since the wife is “not up to what he expected”. Despite the efforts by many women to “spice things up” and even subject themselves to the demeaning acts that have been artificially downloaded into their husbands’ brains, the pornography-addicted husbands will only enjoy themselves for a very short while before losing interest. Meanwhile, the wife feels unattractive and emotionally abandoned despite her best efforts, not knowing that she couldn’t compete with the dopamine buzz offered by pornography.”
Luke Gilkerson writes about the addictive behaviour that porn addicts go through “To the addict, when the craving for porn surfaces, their whole body gears up for action. As unhindered hormones are released and neurotransmitters fire, the craving consumes them. The heart begins to race, blood pressure rises, and the addict is consumed by a single thought: “Just one more time.”
One might argue that all these are data and research from non-Muslim countries and might not be valid for Muslim nations. But, if one looks at the searches about sex on Google, it is a terrible indicator. The following data is for searches on google for sexual material, and does not include those people who go straight into porn sites. In 2010, these countries had the highest sex-related searches on the internet:
1. Pakistan 2. Egypt 3. Vietnam 4. Iran 5. Morocco 6. India 7. Saudi Arabia 8. Turkey 9. Philippines 10. Poland
One can clearly see the prevalence of Muslim countries in the list of top 10. It is scary and perhaps the only good one can think of is that Bangladesh is not on this list!! Even sadder than this are the details of these searches. Muslim states also have a lead in animal sex terms, homosexual acts, and child pornography searches. 70% of files exchanged between Saudi teenagers over phones contained pornography. Arabic, the language of the Quran, comes up as the second most used language when searching for numerous pornography genres.
Ending the Addiction All that I have written till now seems to paint a very grim picture of the situation of porn. It is seemingly everywhere, children are exposed to it, families are getting destroyed, people are getting involved in filthy and abhorrent sexual behaviour and poor marriages. What can be worse than this? However, that is not the be all and end all. Every porn-watcher is not an addict, and even if one is an addict, addictions are not impossible to get over. It can be possible to overcome addictions by the Will and Mercy of Allah. Yes it is difficult, but as Allah says in Surah Mulk,
“He created death and life to test which of you is best in their deeds” [Quran 67:2]
Life is a test. And while watching porn and getting addicted to it (and all other associated behaviors such as masturbation, sexual aggression, etc.) are terrible sins that one had indulged in, one should never give up hope.
In fact, losing hope is arguably a greater sin in the sight of Allah. Losing hope is completely disregarding the fact that Allah can help us out of each and every situation. We must remember that Umar ibn al-Khattab woke up one morning intending to kill the Prophet, and yet at the end of that very day he was a Muslim. Allah changed his heart, and he ended up being among the greatest of men ever alive. If Allah can do that, then He can change our hearts as well. We just need to put in the effort and make dua that Allah helps us through.
What I will share in this article is not a guaranteed way to get over porn addiction. What I would suggest here is more of a framework to work with. A framework which one can accommodate to one’s own lifestyle to help get over the addiction of porn (and also other types of addiction such as masturbation, general sex addiction and addiction to filthy images which are not necessarily porn).
We should take this as a game against Shaytan. Every game needs a strategy that one requires to win. A football team has defence, midfield and attack. Our strategy will have Spiritual, Practical and Social pathways to combat porn. In each pathway, I will keep to only two to three tips to combat the addiction and help one get over it. I will keep it to three so that it is easy to remember and implement.
Spiritual
1. Remind yourself that you are committing a grave sin
Over time as we end up as a porn addict, we start generalizing and trivializing the sin. We might tell ourselves that we will pray a bit extra to get over the sin. We might tell ourselves that one day we might work against it but that we are not able to do it now. We might even tell ourselves that “at least it’s not zina!!” These are simply excuses. Yes, I do not want you to lose hope, but I do not want you to lose fear as well. I do not want you to forget that the act you are committing is a terrible sin. For us to get over our sins, we need both the hope of Allah’s mercy- that which will push us to get over our addictions, and also the fear of His punishment which will help us stay away from it. It is important to remember that every time we commit the sin we are violating a right of Allah. And admitting to our sin and the gravity of it is usually the first and best way to start the journey of getting back to normality.
2. Remind yourself that you are violating the right of other human beings
Allah has put sexual desire in each of us- for some it is greater and for some it is lesser. It is a test and also a blessing. Imam al-Ghazzali says that one of the reasons Allah talks about sexual pleasures of the hereafter is because the pleasure of orgasm is probably among the greatest pleasures that one can experience in this world. But, Allah has created that pleasure and that feeling for us to share with only our specific spouse.
Every time we masturbate, every time we fantasize about the woman we see in the video, every time we watch or view pornography, we are violating the right that our spouses have over us. And this is whether you are married or not. For the one who is married, look at your spouse when they are asleep at night. Look at him/her and ask yourself how it would be like when they stand in front of Allah on the day of Judgement and complain that you did not satisfy them properly in this world because of the filth that you were involved in?
For those who are unmarried amongst us, we are taking from the rights of the one whom Allah has destined to be our spouse in this world and the hereafter. We are violating their rights and taking our pleasure through an avenue that Allah has not made halal for us. It is one thing to violate the rights of Allah. But what about the rights of another human being that we are taking? Allah forgives and that is His characteristic. Will our spouses be so kind on the day of Judgement? Especially when their own salvation will be at stake?
Moreover, every time we are watching porn we are also violating the rights of the men and women involved in the production of the video. We do not know why they are involved in this business. They might have been pushed into it due to poverty. They might have been forced into it after being kidnapped and/or through blackmail. We might even be enjoying a video of true rape while a lady screams out for help. Is that the kind of person we are? What about those of us who enjoy child pornography? A child is being groomed and abused only for your desires! Is that something you would want on your scales on the Day of Judgement? Even if it is a pornstar who is doing it willingly, we are ordered to lower our gazes. Ponder my brother, my sister, ponder.
3. Dua, Dhikr and Prayer
Imam Suhaib Webb was once asked by a man about his porn addiction. The Imam replied, “Pray two rakah and then go watch porn.” The man immediately responded, “But Shaykh, how can I watch that filth after prayer?” That is something we need to understand well. Our prayers are a shield. A shield between us and the hellfire. Our prayers are also a connection. A connection between us and our Maker. We have all heard the ayah of the Quran, “Most certainly prayer forbids from shamelessness and evil.” There is a reason Allah specifically kept “shamelessness” separate even though it is a part of evil anyway.
Brothers and sisters do not let Shaytan win thrice. First by making you sin. Secondly by making you lose hope in the mercy of Allah and thirdly by turning you away from good deeds. Regardless of how sinful we may be, Allah is the Lord of all of us- righteous or sinful. Turn to Him, beg of Him to help.
You never know- what if this struggle against pornography is that one thing that takes you to Jannah? Because Allah looks at the efforts and not necessarily the results. Strengthen your prayers, strengthen your dua and strengthen your remembrance of Allah. As the Prophet (SAW) said in the hadith, “Be conscious of Allah wherever you are, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed…” [Tirmidhi]. Our good deeds and our connection to Allah are part of that iron defence against the shaytan. We should never give up on them.
Some scientific studies have even shown benefit of prayer from a secular perspective. Remember the dopamine we talked about? Dopamine increase has been seen in those who practice meditation even if it is very infrequently. Alhamdulillah, our Lord has dedicated salah five times a day and it is much more powerful than meditation.
Practical
1.Redirection
Whenever you feel the urge, try to redirect your thoughts and your energy. It doesn’t necessarily need to be worship, but that would obviously be the best. Go for a walk, write down your thoughts, play a video game, make food, watch some cartoons etc. If all of this is done with the intention that you are going to give up your addiction for the sake of Allah, all of these seemingly mundane tasks can become worship of Allah.
It will be difficult when you begin, but keep motivating yourself to do it. Allah will help, and over time it will become easier to overcome.
2. Avoid the triggers
Find out what your triggers are. It could be seeing someone attractive on the street. It could be plain loneliness. It could be seemingly useless things like “let me turn on the TV” or “let me just spend a few hours on Facebook” and so on. Find out what leads you to porn and the minutes leading up to it and your behaviour. Avoid them, run away from them, like the plague that it is!
Social
1. Hang out with good people
All of the tips I have shared now are things that most Muslim scholars and non-Muslim academics have talked about. And so is this one. I have gone through Christian literature, secular literature and Muslim counselling on getting rid of pornography and they all suggest that we hang out with good people. With people who remind us of life and the hereafter as well. As our Prophet (SAW) said, “Man is on the religion of his friend. So watch out whom you make friends with.” [Abu Dawud and Tirmidhi]
2. Having a non-judgemental, trustworthy sober companion
This is quite a difficult one. Because it requires that you find someone whom you can trust with a secret as difficult as this, and then ask them to help you without judgement. Lots of research have shown that help from people around is actually very beneficial for those who are struggling with addictions. The role of your friend would be to encourage you to quit, help you quit, distract you when you want to relapse and so on. This is a difficult role for that very person as well, and as mentioned earlier it will be a difficult one, but possible inshaAllah.
What if you find out that your child is watching porn? – A Case for Sex Education
So, after all the statistics that I have shown at the start, it is normal to be fearful that your son, daughter, nephew, niece, cousin etc. who is a child, might be watching porn. In fact, it could even be that you found out they are. What do you do? How do you react?
The “normal” knee-jerk reaction from Bengali parents is to suddenly go into overdrive. They shout and curse, beat and hurt, humiliate and scream. It is important to remember that just because they are kids doesn’t mean Allah has allowed you to behave badly with them. If they are hurt, their complaints will go to Allah too. This is not the end of the world, and all the hurtful things are very counterproductive.
These are times when a civil discussion needs to take place. It is important that one acknowledges that the urges that our children go through are NORMAL- yes they are. However, it is also important that we make it clear to them that we are Muslims. As a Muslim, we know we have many different desires in our lives, but we only fulfil them in ways that Allah has asked us to.
So we want to drink tasty drinks, but we do not drink alcohol. We want stimulation- we will go for coffee rather than drugs. Similarly, sexual feelings and urges are a natural human hormonal feeling. But, as slaves of Allah we will not misuse it. Rather, we will only keep that for the person whom Allah has made halal for us in this life and in the hereafter insha Allah. It is important to make our children understand the bond they need to have with Allah. They need to learn to love Allah so much that they are willing to give everything up for Him.
It is also important to make them understand that sexual intimacy is a right of their spouse, and no one else. It is a violation of the right of Allah, a right of the spouse and the right of one’s own body to try and satisfy oneself through means that are haram. It is that sense of responsibility that children need to understand. Moreover, every time they look at another person, they are objectifying and demeaning a woman.
If you can have this conversation with a child (and it is not going to be a one-off thing, it needs repetition), then the child will improve by the permission of Allah, not only with regards to this, but with regards to their relationship with Allah in general.
Once a child has seen pornography, the mind is already flying all over the place. Many of them might feel excited. Many of them might feel weird or disgusted even. Many might want a bit more. Many might have enjoyed it. It is important that as Muslims we understand that sexual urges are a creation of Allah. Isn’t it better that we tackle the problem even before it comes to this?
We have the urge to urinate and defecate as well. For those, we do potty training for our kids. Kids have the urge to eat. We teach them how to eat with the hand, how to eat with the spoon, how to not spill food and how to manage their food habits. Sex is just another urge. So why then do we have such a taboo on talking about this issue? If the Prophet (peace be upon him) could talk about sex, then how can we use piety as our shield from talking about it? Are we more pious than the Prophet?
The hypersexualized world we live in requires that we give sex education to our children when they are young. When children cross the age of 9, they are already noticing the changes around them. It is important that parents get to the child before the media, TV or pornography does. It would make more sense that you talk to your child around that age and tell them that they might one day like someone from the opposite gender and that is ok.
It is important that you tell them to share their feelings with you and that if needed you can guide them. You are a mother/father after all and you should be their best friend. They need to understand that you understand what they are going through. That you know what they are going through is difficult, and that all the patience they need is going to be good for them in the long run.
As a medical student, I often hear stories of young men and women struggling in their relationships. I wonder how much it is due to the porn industry. If we are not teaching our children about sex, someone else surely is. And they are not teaching it properly. They are teaching them the filth of the earth. They are teaching them to be monsters who fulfil their desires without ever thinking about anything else. Pornography never teaches someone to be a loving human being. It teaches not about being a good spouse and a good parent. It is all about fulfilling one’s desire without a care about what the other person is going through.
It is high time that sex education becomes a core part of every Islamic household and probably every Islamic school. Children need to be protected from this super fitnah of our times. Protection is not by hiding away. The best way to be protected from an enemy is to know about the enemy and prepare our defence. For a child, knowing the enemy is understanding what pornography is and how rubbish it is. And their defence is a strong relationship with Allah, along with parents who are there to support them if they ever happen to slip.
